I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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