i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
