Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
