Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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