So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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