You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
