It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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