I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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