dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
