I CAN MOONWALK!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
