I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
