My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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