Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
did i walk over a car last night?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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