I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
