they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
