Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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