He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
