I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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