There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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