So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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