I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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