Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
