she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my poor anus
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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