I feel like abortions should bother me more
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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