flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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