I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
