She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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