what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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