she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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