Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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