Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
