I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
