Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His nipple licking is glorious
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