is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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