Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize