I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
