Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
