Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
