a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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