My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
