I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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