I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
