The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize