Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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