I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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