Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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