yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
