i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
