she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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