So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
