if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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