I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
