Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
