Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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