My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
