my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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