I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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