I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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