I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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