Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
