the condom got lost in my hair
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize