she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
