Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
