u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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